Grayson's Birth Story

I wasn't sure if I wanted to share Grayson's birth story on my blog.  In fact, I was pretty sure I wouldn't, but as time passed I began to feel okay about it.  Especially because both Lottie's and Evan's are on here so I didn't want to exclude their little brother.

I think there were a couple of reasons I didn't feel like sharing it.  One being that the delivery didn't go as I had hoped, and I felt that if I didn't actually talk about it out loud that it would be like that didn't happen.  The second reason was because I felt a bit traumatized from it.

To help clarify and give a bit of background I'll explain why.

When I was pregnant with Charlotte I had planned to go completely natural.  Everyone tells you that it never goes according to plan, but I was determined to be the exception.  Unfortunately I developed preeclampsia and was encouraged by my OB/GYN to get induced the very next day.  I wanted to give Charlotte has much time as she needed to come on her own so I asked if I could go another week (to my due date).  They said yes.  However, she still didn't come so I was induced.  It was a terrible and long experience that ultimately ended with me getting fentanyl (a very strong drug that I knew nothing about and made me vomit) and then finally an epidural.  Because of the fentanyl Charlotte was pretty groggy when she came out.  She had no desire to nurse and at the time of her birth, hospitals weren't quite yet pushing immediate skin to skin to help with bonding and breastfeeding.  I felt that my lack of knowledge as a new mother failed both her and I. 

Because I didn't get the experience I had hoped for, I did everything in my power to ensure Evan's went better.  And it did.  I had the most amazing experience with him.  100% natural, not even an I.V.  I can't even describe how beautiful and raw it was.  Bonding and nursing went effortlessly, and even my bond with Luke was strengthened.  I don't know exactly what it was, but there's something about being in a vulnerable and painful place that really brings two people together.

So .... back to Grayson's story.  Basically I wanted a repeat of Evan's.  I wanted those same powerful feelings I had with Evan and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it again.  Even though I screamed at everyone in the room while pushing that I would never go natural again!  Haha.  I knew deep down that I would want to though because despite the pain, it was incredible.

So that was the plan.  And just like with Charlotte, it didn't go according to the "plan".

March 3rd:  I go see my midwife and am told I am 3 cm dilated and 60% effaced.  She stripped my membranes.

March 4th:  I lose my mucous plug.

March 5th:  Nothing.

March 6th (my due date):  Nothing.

March 7th:  My mom has been here for a week now.  Nothing.

March 8th:  Nothing.

March 9th: Nothing.

My body hurts.  I'm having relentless braxtin hicks.  I'm not sleeping.  My mom has been here for over a week now.  Four days overdue.  With a heavy heart I schedule the induction for the following day.

March 10th:  We arrive at St. Mary's Medical Center at 7:30 am.  My midwife checks me and I am 4 cm dilated.  That news gave me a spark of hope that it would go more smoothly than Charlotte's, which it did in some ways.  She broke my water and soon after contractions started.  Luke and I did a LOOOOT of walking the halls.  Every time we stopped walking my contractions would start to ebb off so back to walking we went.  At one point we were passing a delivery room and heard the new little cries of a baby fresh from heaven.  I couldn't wait for that and wondered how much longer before it was my turn.  As the day went on contractions got stronger and stronger.  It was actually exciting to me because I knew it meant I was getting closer and closer.
After lunch my midwife comes in to check me and I'm only a 5.  That was disheartening.  Its never fun to think you're making progress only to be told not really.  My nurse asks if I want to soak in the jacuzzi.  It had helped with the pain so much with Evan that I immediately agreed.  She gave me some essential oils and placed a bunch of tea candles around to help me relax.  And then it didn't help.  It had worked so well with Evan, why wasn't it working now?
Several hours later and now experiencing active labor we tried to repeat everything that had worked for me with Evan.  Luke doing counter pressure, birthing ball, different positions.  Nothing was working to help with the pain!

7:30 pm and 12 hours into all this, I was in pain. I was exhausted.  Luke was exhausted.  With how much pain I was in I thought I was around 8-9 cm.  My midwife said I was 7 cm.  I lost my motivation.  3 more cm just seemed like a life time away and I mentally and physically gave up.  I asked her if it was too late for an epidural, secretly hoping she would say yes, but she said "Nope!  I'll call the anesthesiologist!"  I was relieved and disappointed all at once.  He came right away, saying that if we had called him 5 minutes later he wouldn't have been able to come.  He was upset though that I didn't even have an I.V. in yet.  The new nurse that just started her shift tried to get one started.  Not waiting for my contraction to end she poked me and blew my vein.  I didn't know this at the time, but Luke told me later that she didn't bother trying to stop the bleeding, but went straight to finding a second vein in the same arm, which she also blew.  That's when I noticed all the blood.  It was staining the sheets and getting all over me.  This nurse couldn't do it so my original nurse who just ended her shift came back to try on my other arm.  She was not successful either and blew that vein as well.  Blood is everywhere, Luke is trying to distract me from it all.  At this point I'm thinking to myself, "I'm so stupid, all this added pain isn't even worth the epidural - especially when I'm so close to the end."  I was kicking myself majorly.  They asked the anesthesiologist if he would try, which he did and thankfully was successful.  After he finished that he got started on my epidural.  They put me on the edge of the bed, removed my shirt, and I did my best to hold still, totally sobbing into Luke's chest.  I told the anesthesiologist to make it quick, but he responded it would be at least 5-6 more contractions before he was done.  I about lost it at him.  He also had a dry sense of humor that was super annoying to me.
I think it was about 4 contractions when he finished.  They laid me in an uncomfortable position, but I didn't really care because relief was starting to flood my lower body.  They started removing the sheets underneath me - they were soaked with blood.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I stopped crying, but now another emotion started taking over.  Disappointment in myself.  What was wrong with me?  Why couldn't I do it?  I did it before so why was this time different?  I know now it's because my labor was started artificially as opposed to naturally like it had with Evan.  My body didn't know to release oxytocin to help me cope with the pain.  I was so confused as to why I wasn't handling the pain as well and why the different things we tried didn't work like they had with Evan.  It's because with Evan, my body knew what to do to manage the pain.  Being induced, my contractions were .... different.  I'm not sure how to explain it, but they just felt so much more intense and I felt out of control of the pain unlike when I was laboring with Evan.

Not long after the epidural took effect I started feeling some intense pressure.  I told the nurse I was feeling the urge to push.  She checked me and sure enough she said his head was right there.  They re-positioned me and Luke gowned up to catch.  Pushing was hard for me because my abs were numb and it was hard for me to tell if I was even doing anything.  They kept assuring me I was, but it was just hard for me to tell.  I felt like I needed to be re-positioned to have gravity help me out, but this nurse forced me on my back saying it was tried and true.  I was starting to dislike this nurse.
Luke said it only took 23 minutes of pushing.  I felt him slip out of me and Luke laid him on my tummy.  That's when I found out it was a boy.  He was purple and grunting and definitely concerning me.  I kept asking if that was normal and this nurse said yes.  I didn't feel like it was.  A neonatal nurse took him from me to the warmer to check on his breathing.  He finally did a good scream and his color started to turn a healthy pink.  He was still doing that grunting noise though so the director of the NICU came in to check on him.  I wanted so badly for him to be back in my arms so we could do skin to skin and try nursing.  I didn't want a repeat of how it went with Charlotte.  They finally gave him back to me and then he peed and pooped all over me.  The nurse never put a diaper on him so that's 3/3 of my babies that have marked their territory on me as soon as they were born!

I was so relieved to be done, but I didn't feel satisfied.  I felt frustrated and disappointed in myself.  I didn't want to talk about his birth because of all the emotions of inadequacy I felt.  I really truly felt .... disappointed.  It was effecting my ability to bond with him.  I was angry at myself, at my birthing team, and even at Grayson.  It's taken me several weeks to finally come to terms and accept that it went how it went and all that matters is we're both healthy.

We discovered while still in the hospital that Grayson had a tongue tie, which made nursing so extremely painful.  The day we were discharged we went straight to the ENT and had it clipped.  While in the hospital, Luke and I were treated to a celebratory dinner.  It was really fancy and it was fun celebrating with Luke.  The day after he was born, my mom came with the children along with Mary to visit us.  I am so so so grateful that I was able to have a "normal" hospital experience right before all the covid rules were put in place.

My recovery was long and drawn out.  I tore and had "multiple lacerations" according to my midwife.  I got a spinal fluid leak from the epidural and got a massive headache that lasted about 18 hours.  The anesthesiologist had to come in and give me a blood patch.  All in all I just felt traumatized from the experience.  I kick myself for deciding to get induced, but also try to remind myself that maybe it was meant to be that way so that I could avoid all the covid restrictions.  Also, if I had waited any longer, Grayson could very well have been a 10 pound baby and what if I couldn't push him out and ended up having to get a C-section?  So I am trying to be grateful.

Welcome to the world Grayson Harvey Phillips!  Your names were chosen because I really like the name Grayson, and Harvey is for your great grandfather (my grandpa), Harvey Gilbert.  You weighed 9 lb and 6 oz and were 21 3/4 inches long.  Very close to Evan who was 9 lb, 5 oz and the same length!  

We love you!!