Friday, October 10, 2014

And though she be but little

I have been pretty nostalgic lately thinking about my time being pregnant with Charlotte, and now having her with me.  I feel as though I am a different person entirely.  I don't even know who I was before she came into my life.  What did I do?  What did I think about?  Because everything I do and think about revolves around her for the most part now. 

While I was pregnant I had a very hard time with the changes that my body had to go through.  What it HAD to go through.  It needed to change, mold, and accommodate for that life that was inside me.  It wasn't my body anymore, it was OUR body as I shared it with her to help her on her journey of growing and developing.  However, at the time, all I could think about was how miserable this new life inside was making me.  I was sick every hour of every day.  I was lonely and I felt so unsure of this new role I was taking on.  I kept saying how I wanted my body back.  But I didn't really mean that.   It took some time for me to realize that it was no longer all about me.

Now, after I have had her, I thought my body would finally be mine again.  That I would just automatically go back to my old self.  Wow.  What a thought.

Immediately after I had her, the pain didn't go away.  Not for a long time.  I couldn't even bring my legs together without feeling intense pain.  Then there was nursing.  And babies don't come knowing how to do it.  Oh nursing.  Nursing.  So painful and then it didn't even end up working out for us.

Now that the physical pain has almost entirely gone away, I have the scars as proof that I once carried her in me.  These I will always have.  At first it really bothered me how my tummy was.....different.  I still have a hard time adjusting to this new tummy of mine.  But it's mine, and it created a home in which Charlotte could live and grow.  How amazing is that!  And guess what, Luke still loves me.  And my body.  Charlotte loves me.  Luke and I together brought life and for that, how could I be ashamed or embarrassed?!

In a book I made for Charlotte I included the quote, "And though she be but little, she is fierce."  I think I will change that to, "And though she be but little, she has brought so much love and joy into our family."

Thank you Charlotte for making me who I always wanted to be - a mother.

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