I found this photo on Luke's phone the other day. It is from when I was in my first trimester and was so sick and couldn't take the smells of the house. So I would sit in that chair all day. Everyday. Until it got to the point where it was too cold and I was forced inside. Sometimes literally. Luke would have to drag me back in.
I was miserable day and night. I still am sometimes. Only another woman who has experienced pregnancy can relate. No offense to Luke or to any other man, but until you've experienced it for yourself, there is just no way you could possibly understand. It overtakes you - mind and body.
It is the hardest thing I have ever done thus far in my life. There have been days when I have just wanted to quit. I just wanted some form of relief. But there have been other days when I actually have that "glow". I didn't think I would ever get it. I felt too ugly and deformed from my former self to feel a "glow". But Luke pointed it out to me the other day out of the blue.
It was Valentine's Day and we were in the Baby Depot section of Burlington Coat Factory. I was looking at baby girl clothes and debating on whether or not to get her some warm winter clothes for next year since they were all on sale. There I was in the middle of the aisle, an outfit in each hand, thinking over this decision that was for some reason so hard for me when Luke walked up to me, kissed me tenderly, and told me how much he was in love with me. When I asked the reason for this unexpected gesture, he just said I had the "glow", and he felt a surge of love for me.
That really touched me. It helped me feel that I was doing something right.
I already love this little girl whom I have been so close to these past 31 weeks. I loved her from the first time I saw the positive pregnancy test, I loved her even more when I heard her heartbeat for the first time, I loved her from her first kick, I loved her when I found out she was a she. I love her. That's why I am doing what I am doing. I love her daddy. That's why I am doing what I am doing.
It's out of love. That's why I am doing what I am doing.